Unresolved conflict is unhealthy. Have you ever noticed that when you are in conflict you move away from the pain? Have you ever noticed that it never really helps? It really just puts the difficulty on pause, you still live with it, in fear of it, upset by it, and still in pain. John Paul Lederach and other experts in the field all agree; when in conflict, move towards it. But how? You have tried before, and it didn’t work, that is exactly why it remains unresolved.

Are you in a relationship with unresolved conflict? What does it feel like? If you could describe it with a metaphor, what would the metaphor be?

Often when we think about conflict, we think about problems, negative experiences, or sometimes we even think of a person. That person “is always causing problems.” Our attitude about conflict can even be seen in the way we describe it. As John Paul Lederach points out in the opening chapter of his book Preparing for Peace: how we engage with conflict has a lot to do with what we believe about it. In other words, if we think it is bad, then we avoid it or try to control it, if we think it is neutral we may deal with it as it comes along, but if we think it is good then we move towards it. Additionally, if we think it can’t be resolved then we never resolve it, whereas, if we believe that it can be resolved, then, strangely enough, we often discover that it can be.

But what could be good about conflict? These are three things I have noticed as a mediator:

You Learn

Have you ever noticed how much you learn when you are actively resolving conflict? You learn about the way other people think, what hurts them, what brings them joy, what matters to them, their perspective on life. You learn about yourself, what matters to you, what hurts you, you learn about your limits, your strengths, sometimes you even discover things about yourself you didn’t know before.

You Reorganize

As you work your way through resolving a conflict you discover what caused the problem and then you make adjustments accordingly. I remember one particularly difficult and painful conversation I had with my wife about our morning routine. After we both had a chance to share and to listen to one another we reorganized our morning routine, and some very simple changes completely altered the course of our day together (for the better).

You Discover

It is true that people often hurt each other in one way or another. But it is also true that people deeply care for one another. Have you ever noticed that in the middle of trying to resolve a conflict, or maybe towards the end, you discover that you are loved. Whoever you are in a conflict with, you are also in a relationship with them, and when that relationship is based on mutual respect, love, and care it surfaces through the process of conflict.

If you are in a conflict, whether it is personal (marriage or family) or professional (with a co-worker, supervisor, or employee) we can help. Set up a time with us and we can help you consider your options for a healthy resolution, whether that be through mediation, conflict resolution, or facilitation.

What are your thoughts? Have you noticed how conflict can bring to light these elements and initiate needed changes in your life?

Tim Nightingale is a mediator, facilitator and conflict resolution trainer in Fresno, CA.