If you have conflict in your marriage, you are not alone. In fact, if you do not have conflict in your marriage, you might be completely alone. Did you know that the problem is not the conflict? You might assume that if your marriage had no conflict it would be the perfect marriage, but do you really believe that? If you were to play that scenario out to its fullest extent, that would mean that 1) you both agree on everything 2) you both agree on the best way to accomplish everything 3) you both have the exact same interests and needs at the same time 4) that one way of thinking about the world suffices for both of you and 5) that you never need any additional insight into your world (view) that would make it better.

While conflict may be uncomfortable, require extra attention, cause you to reconsider the way you think about things or your methods of accomplishing tasks, it is a vital part of a healthy relationship. But how do you move forward in your conflict in a healthy way? How does conflict bring out the best in both of you, for the best outcomes in your marriage? Here are four tips you might find helpful in your next marital dispute:

1. It starts with listening.  This means you must set aside the time to listen to each other. If there is a conflict in your marriage that is causing hardship and pain, it will not just go away on its own. If it hasn’t been resolved yet, then maybe it is time to try something different. Set aside some time with your spouse for the explicit purpose of listening to each other.
2. Do not interrupt. Now that you have set aside time to listen, protect that space by refusing to interrupt. Listen to the full perspective/story of the person. Give them space and time to share freely. Remember each person will get a turn, but for the time being, fully dive into the other person’s perspective.
3. Summarize their words. After listening, share back as much as you can possibly remember about what they said in their words. From their perspective, not from yours. Notice what was important to them. If you have questions, make sure that they are clarifying questions not meant to confront, but meant to better understand.
4. Share in love. It is not just a matter of clearly understanding what is being said, it is also a matter of communicating the truth. What I mean by this is that within the context of your marriage you have chosen to commit yourself to someone else whom you love. Undoubtedly that person, at some point in time, will hurt you, and that needs to be shared, at the exact same time it is also true that you love that person. Do let the grievance being shared override fullest truth in that moment; yes you are hurt, and you are hurt by someone that you love deeply and that you have chosen to share your life with. Share your pain, they love you and they will listen, but also share your joy, love, and commitment to your spouse.

As mediators, Noelle and I recognize that this is not easy and sometimes couples need help. Whether you are on a relational mountaintop with your spouse, or in a deep dark valley, using mediation can help your marriage grow and deepen. As my wife’s Uncle (and Pastor) Bernard used to tell me “the most important time to work on peace (in a relationship) is when times are good.” Contact us if you are interested in a free consultation to learn more about our services (559) 797-9361 or NightingaleResolutions.com

Tim Nightingale is a mediator, facilitator, and conflict resolution trainer in Fresno, CA. He has over 7 years of experience in the field of Mediation and Conflict Resolution.