Follow these tips to reduce stress during the holidays.

Christmas is a time that I look forward to. It is a time of celebration, festive parties, delicious food, gift- giving, and seeing family I haven’t seen since the previous Christmas or even longer. And while it may be fun to see most of my family members, some may not be as merry-inducing as others. So what happens when people of varying views and personalities come together during a very special highly-anticipated time? In the past, it has brought tension, stress, dashed hopes, even feelings of resentment and hurt. It seems wrong to want to enjoy a season that celebrates feelings of love but not practice it with the people I share it with. What if there was a way to better enjoy those people so that I can take pleasure in the season? Well, there is! These are three steps to reduce stress and enjoy this holiday with your family and friends.

1. Set reasonable and realistic expectations. We all have perfect ideas in our head of what the holidays should look like. How do you feel when your expectations are not met? Here are some ways to set reasonable expectations:

• Consider other’s perspectives: Your family member has other family obligations so they can’t come to Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Instead of getting upset that they favor the other side of the family, you should pick the day that means the most to you and request that one.
• Consider the limitations: You want to have an in-depth conversation with an out-of-town visitor during a Christmas party but there are a lot of other people so it is cut short. Rather than feeling put-off recognize the limitations and schedule a lunch for the next day.
• Don’t try to control or change others: There’s someone who always says “crazy” things. Most likely they will not change, but you can change the way you interact with them by asking them a thoughtful question that will engage a part of their life they are passionate about.

Setting reasonable and realistic expectations changes the way in which you interact with the situations and the way you feel about it once it is over.

2. Create clear channels of communication. Once you have set realistic expectations, clearly communicate with those around you that will be influenced by these expectations.

• The family member with other obligations, clearly communicate which day you would prefer.
• Call the out-of-town guest now, and set up that lunch date.
• Decide you value the person you are worried about and send a text to tell them you are looking forward to enjoying Christmas day with them and chatting about that thing they are passionate about. By doing this they will know they are valued and can be excited about your conversation.

Unless you articulate what you want, you almost always will not get it.

3. Assume the best of other people. This may be one of the hardest things to do. Most people love their family and friends and want to enjoy their time with them. So when they say something “crazy” or do something unexpected, just remember, it’s coming from a good place.

• If you don’t get the day you prefer, assume they love you and have the conversation accordingly.
• If the guest is busy during their stay, assume they still value your friendship. You can try to make the best of the times you get to be together.
• When that person says something cringe-worthy, assume they feel safe enough to share that with you. Then share something you care about.

Assuming the best of others and their intentions will save you and them a lot of grief and hurt.

I offer these tips to our clients during mediations or conflict coaching. The tips to reduce stress are applicable during the holidays and all year long. I hope you try these out this week and enjoy your celebrations. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

What tips do you use to reduce stress and better enjoy your holidays?

Noelle Nightingale is a mediator, facilitator, and conflict resolution trainer in Fresno, California.